The Search to Belong by Joe Myers Part 1

Simply put, this is the best small groups book I've ever read. Beyond being quite readable and not overly drawn out, Myers argument rings true with my experience as a pastor that I haven't put into words. I want to give it the attention it deserves, so I'll be sharing three times on it.

Myers' thesis is that healthy belonging involves four "spaces" of belonging. He takes Edward Hall's idea of space and metaphorically applies it to community. Hall argued that you allow into certain space people you were comfortable with. The closer they got, the closer relationship you had. Myers takes this idea and says that we all need to belong in each of these spaces. None are better than the other; they are all necessary and they are all different.

So, what are the spaces? Public, social, personal, intimate.

PUBLIC: A relationship created by an outward force. Perhaps ways you could think of this are the friendship you join up with someone at a sporting event. You cheer together, High Five each other, maybe even share a spontaneous hug--and the game is enhanced because of it. But you wouldn't ask that person to come to your house.

SOCIAL: A space where you are putting your best foot forward. You are sharing snapshots of who you are and what it would be like to know you. This is what you do with your family doctor, your favorite restaurant server, some coworkers. This space happens when you go out to eat with people and it's not weird, but you are afraid you'd run out of things to talk about in your home. You're comfortable asking and being asked for small favours.

PERSONAL: A space where the other knows a lot about you. They don't know everything, but they know a lot. Likewise, you know a lot. These are people you "connect" with and call close friends.

INTIMATE: The one or two people who know you. Period. Myers uses the phrase "naked and not ashamed." This might be a spouse, but doesn't have to be.

So, how does this apply to small groups? Myers says that you choose how you belong to people and some small groups programs promise level of relationship that you just can't force. Second, we pressure people to belong in ways they might not be comfortable with. We (small groups pastors, etc.) will says things like, "Here's where the real community is." Not true, says Myers. All levels of belonging are necessary and essential to healthy community for groups as well as individuals. Maybe part of the reason people feel they don't belong is because we've created not only a Hollywood world of marriage, but of what it means to belong.