The Search to Belong by Joe Myers Part 2

Myers' book, The Search to Belong, emphasizes that all four spaces are necessary for groups and individuals to have healthy community. He says that the people trying to facilitate belonging need to become enviromentalists. You create environments so community can happen.

Here's an example. At our church, we created time between services called "Coffee Mingle." It's exactly how it sounds. It creates a good sense of place and belonging for people ending one service or starting the next. When we don't have it (the 5th Sunday of the month), people don't know what to do. They've lost that environment.

Myers' call is for people helping other to belong to help them learn how to navigate and live in all four spaces. Teach people how to be Christians not only in private, but in public, social, and personal ways. Let people belong in the ways they want to, without compromising their discipleship. Figure out how to disciple in public space and social space.

The Search to Belong by Joe Myers Part 1

Simply put, this is the best small groups book I've ever read. Beyond being quite readable and not overly drawn out, Myers argument rings true with my experience as a pastor that I haven't put into words. I want to give it the attention it deserves, so I'll be sharing three times on it.

Myers' thesis is that healthy belonging involves four "spaces" of belonging. He takes Edward Hall's idea of space and metaphorically applies it to community. Hall argued that you allow into certain space people you were comfortable with. The closer they got, the closer relationship you had. Myers takes this idea and says that we all need to belong in each of these spaces. None are better than the other; they are all necessary and they are all different.

So, what are the spaces? Public, social, personal, intimate.

PUBLIC: A relationship created by an outward force. Perhaps ways you could think of this are the friendship you join up with someone at a sporting event. You cheer together, High Five each other, maybe even share a spontaneous hug--and the game is enhanced because of it. But you wouldn't ask that person to come to your house.

SOCIAL: A space where you are putting your best foot forward. You are sharing snapshots of who you are and what it would be like to know you. This is what you do with your family doctor, your favorite restaurant server, some coworkers. This space happens when you go out to eat with people and it's not weird, but you are afraid you'd run out of things to talk about in your home. You're comfortable asking and being asked for small favours.

PERSONAL: A space where the other knows a lot about you. They don't know everything, but they know a lot. Likewise, you know a lot. These are people you "connect" with and call close friends.

INTIMATE: The one or two people who know you. Period. Myers uses the phrase "naked and not ashamed." This might be a spouse, but doesn't have to be.

So, how does this apply to small groups? Myers says that you choose how you belong to people and some small groups programs promise level of relationship that you just can't force. Second, we pressure people to belong in ways they might not be comfortable with. We (small groups pastors, etc.) will says things like, "Here's where the real community is." Not true, says Myers. All levels of belonging are necessary and essential to healthy community for groups as well as individuals. Maybe part of the reason people feel they don't belong is because we've created not only a Hollywood world of marriage, but of what it means to belong.

Crystallizing Futures; Being a Faithful People

After accessing that inner spot simultaneously viewing the situation from the outside, one can operate from this place, the Self, to create an emerging future. Scharmer calls this crystallizing: "clarifying vision and intention from our highest future possibility" (192). This intention is captured in community because one needs the reiforcement other people's energy provides--we need momentum. Thus, relationship is the most important "generative feature" in facilitating this kind of atmosphere/context/environment. The responsibility and opportunity of those doing the leading is to be able to envision the future you're working to create and to begin living in it already.

Let me give a case study for this. The small group I get to be part of at our church is planning a Prom Night--for people who have already graduated. We're doing this to practice celebrating even when things are tough for so many people. We entered into our discussion for what this party will look like in a few ways. First, we prayed--thanking God for what he's been doing and then asking God to be active in specific areas of our lives and the lives of those we love. Second, we looked at the story of Jeremiah buying a field when Judah was about to be exiled. Why buy a field? Because homes and land and vineyards will be bought in Judah (Jeremiah 32:14). It was a symbol, but more than a symbol, a practice!, that God would restore Judah and bring them back from the Babylonian captivity. (Amazing how perhaps buying houses today could be a Christian practice in the United States!) With this context established, we launched into planning and brainstorming.

Because the context was set, we were able to live into the celebration before it even arrives. Not only were we planning a party, we were also partying in the planning. Of course, there are things we could do to relate better to one another, but what a great night!

It struck me how this idea of living into the anticipated future is the crux of faith. Faith has two connotations: Loyalty and belief. A faithful friend is one who is loyal. A person of faith is one who believes in something. Living into the anticipated future requires both believing in this future and having a persistent loyalty to this future in the now.